Writing It Randomly

Reality TV is white noise.  Jailbirds play in the background as I check emails and catch up on social media. I vaguely become aware of an altercation between inmates on the screen. The insults and temper tantrums sling back-and-forth. Off-screen jail time must be more hardcore than how it's depicted in this show. Otherwise, it's basically high school with less violence and more drugs. (One of the insults consists of the words 'fat slut' 🙄.) As the onscreen melodrama unfolds, I read a piece on what air travel is like when you're fat. I am fat. I am also terrified of someone else touching my fat (or my fat touching them). Wrapping my body around itself in an effort to make myself smaller is something I am all too familiar with. On planes, buses, trains. At conferences, in churches, and sharing an Uber. Trying to make myself smaller is nothing new. Blaming fat for this habit is disingenuous. I have always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. As far back as I...

Although it feels like this post should be titled 'Part 200'. This whole year (in terms of #hikegoals) was try, fail, try again... Right now, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be ready for a multi-day hike like the Fish River, but I am sure that I will not stop trying to live a life worth living. For me, that kind of life is one that needs regular refills of love,  healthspo,  and travel. PC: IQuitSugar on IG

Most of us who struggle with our weight know exactly what to do. I have all the resources I need to get my body on track to reach those #hikegoals I set for myself  last year . Instead, I've crawled back into the old habit of damaging this body the good Lord gave me. I've fallen off the #healthspo wagon and can't get up. How can someone who's such a hard worker be so pathetic at nurturing relationships and living life? My Boot Camp participation wasn't what it could've been during the second round. Social fun feels like a myth. Mornings, breakfasts, and meals in general, have gone to hell in a handbasket. Tomorrow is the 1st day of quitting sugar AGAIN. I'm shitting bricks! Are there others out there trying and failing like this over and over and over? "I am made for more than a vicious cycle of eating, gaining, stressing..." - Lysa TerKeurst I'm still hanging onto the straps, but I don't know how to make my arms pull me up and o...

I surprised everyone in the kitchen this week. This revelation might seem trivial to you, but it's almost unheard of in my Kitchen Catastrophe world, and I'm super proud of how the meal turned out. Every Tuesday Night is Girls Night, and this week was my turn to cook. In keeping with my  #healthspo journey  goals, I scoured recipe books (and Pinterest, of course!) to find something suitably low in carbs. At the same time, I knew we had some tomatoes and baby spinach in the fridge that was hanging on to the far edge of freshness (you know - that last day before mould sets in), so I had to come up with something to include those because I hate wasting food. Here's what I made (and it was delicious): Prawn, Spinach & Tomato Bake Ingredients : 200g cherry / small vine tomatoes (you can use more, but might just have to increase seasoning) olive oil, for drizzling PnP pizza & pasta seasoning mix, to taste^ 1 tbsp chermoula paste 1 squirt lemon jui...

Boot Camp Weeks 11 - 15 [1 January - 4 February 2018] The Numbers : Day 14 = weighed in for Boot Camp registration and another 0.6kg down.                    ≈4.1kg ↓ so far Day 15 =  Boot Camp  starts Day 28 = completed my 2nd 7.5 km hike Additional Notes/Comments : A great opportunity fell into my lap - a free 4 week fitness boot camp just became available via Facebook. I had some residual aches & pains that I first had to get checked out, but as soon as the GP gave me the all clear, I tackled my first ever body boot camp. My diet has gone to hell, so I've been too scared to weigh in as well. Trying to muster up my courage, because I'm expecting to have gained all of the weight I lost over Nov & Dec 2017... *Disclaimer: I am not a health/medical professional. This lifestyle plan was developed to suit me personally (I suffer from PCOS & insulin resistance and I'm on...

New Zeal(and) I know. I know. This post is ridiculously late. Blame it on the super relaxedness I found at the bottom of the Hobbit Hole. For over a week I had no idea what date or day of the week it was. It was fantastic! The only days I managed to keep track of were my birthday, and Christmas. Obviously. Admittedly we feasted full on. Wining, dining and reclining at leisure. My saving grace was the fact that I already had a pretty stable #healthspo foundation in place before going on holiday and that we were pretty active together (on average, we got up, got out and did something every second day or so). Weeks 7 - 10 [4 - 31 December 2017] The Numbers : Day 4 = weighed in before Christmas @ another 1.7kg down but then gained back 1.5kg before New Year's Eve.                    ≈3.5kg ↓ so far Additional Notes/Comments : At least my tardy writing did not spill over into my #hikegoals. With all th...

A total of 2.6 kg (5 pounds / 3.6 stone) lost so far. Not much is it? As I write this, I have two choices: I can focus on how little progress I've made, OR I can celebrate the fact that I'm slightly lighter than I was on Halloween and that I can now walk 3 - 4 km with little/no breaks. Being thankful for little mercies does wonders for a journey to joy , so this year I chose to be thankful for the progress I have made so far. [Also for the fact that Thanksgiving food isn't a thing down here too. #DodgedACalorieBullet] How It All Went Down Weeks 1 & 2 There were no exercise goals for the first 2 weeks, but the end of October was already looming and I knew I had to start  something  right away. Basically, most of the talking happened over these first two weeks. Having already quit smoking in August, I resolved to make sugar my first priority (ie avoiding it - must read those labels!). The rest of the babbling also brought forth these nuggets ...

The ghoulies must have been working overtime this year. On the last Thursday before Halloween, I was overcome by a strange masochistic urge to -  gasp!  -  weigh  myself. It was horrific. I've had a faint idea of how high my number must be for some time, but as I stood on that scale, it felt as if those three red numbers seared themselves into my brain. I tried to convince myself that it was a good thing to know and understand even the hard facts (knowledge is power and all that). My true self was not having any of that mind-over-matter bullshit and my mental defenses soon crumbled. I moped around whilst biting back the tears. Crying about my weight felt like a right I had not earned. If you don't vote, you can't complain. So where exactly could I go with all my weighty woes? First,  I prayed . Then, I could not stop talking about it. Oh boy! I kept yapping on and on to anybody who'd listen (or failed to flee the line of fire fast en...

How are those New Year's Resolutions working out for you? Sticking to my new  morning routine is one that continued to kick my ass right into October. I was pretty motivated to kick off my newly designed routine but a few weeks into 2017 it tanked. Hard. Living comfortably is a privilege not afforded to many and all things considered, I must admit that my life actually is quite plush. I have room to be lazy in, including - but not limited to - sleeping in almost daily. Maybe that's how I got all fluffed up. (I literally - and I do mean LITERALLY - piled on the body mass of an average sized person*, except it was all excess fat.) The Why Whatever the reason(s) behind my massive weight gain over the past 15 years, I've finally had enough when it dawned on me that although weight has nothing to do with worth or beauty, lab results are the kind of numbers you need to pay attention to (more on this later). I was done with my lack of discipline. I was done with unhe...

We're in love with Alyssa Rivers' Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken. I found it on Pinterest , saved it, and haven't stopped referring to it again and again. I'm a terrible cook. I always forget something, or take shortcuts when following recipes, and usually that means the whole thing implodes. Not the case with this batch of deliciousness. PC: From the Original Recipe here . There are a few differences between the creative genius' version and ours (some you'll notice straight away, others maybe not): The original recipe calls for garlic powder & chopped spinach (amongst other things). We have a brand-spanking-new garlic press, so fresh garlic (3tsp) was a "necessity" & I bought the wrong spinach, so we used baby spinach leaves. Her kitchen, camera and photography skills are miles ahead of our own. We should've browned the chicken a liiiiiittle longer. Our sauce is a little too yellow. Not sure why, but it still tastes gr...

Mostly, I just slept. (It was a severe bout of Hangover Anxiety.) Now, now! Before you start saying that I'm making light of a serious mental health issue - I'm not joking. It's a real thing . You can deny it all you want, but the D&A* Brain just doesn't like alcohol as much as we do. It was only after my terrible week that I connected the dots. As you can see, I'm back on the blog, but I felt that I had to share my latest experience with those of you who don't really understand what it's like for people like us. Managing my mental health is easier these days (on medication), but that does not mean the dark pit has disappeared. It happens less frequently, but sometimes I turn a corner and fall right in. I miss all the signs, and until last week I never fully understood the havoc partying can wreck on my navigation. During my teens, I was drinking regularly so there was never a real opportunity for me to experience the lasting effects. Before I...

First, let me ask if someone has ANY idea which South African magazine this recipe comes from? I cut and pasted it into a recipe file years ago, and from the looks of it, it might be Fairlady / You? I'd love to give credit where credit is due, but I really cannot remember where I found it. What I do know for sure about this recipe, is that it's f#$^% amazing!!! Let's be honest. No potato will ever come close to a hassle back potato, or a traditionally roasted-in-fat potato, but as far as healthier options go, these are pretty low in fat if you keep your butter and sour cream dollops small, they're very tasty and super easy to make (although you do still need about 2 hours to get them done). Cook's Note: I also found clean-up a breeze. The salt sort of caked together, without sticking to the baking tray. After lightly scraping out the salt with a wooden spoon, the dish just needed a quick soapy wipe and rinse.

We've just finished celebrating women in South Africa*, so when I stumbled onto this empowering message, I just had to pay it forward... Image shared by Denise Bidot on Instagram *9 August is National Women's Day down here.

Source: Tumblr

This video about Finishing What You Start is just what I needed to hear/see this week. I'm on antibiotics for a respiratory infection & for the first time in 3 weeks had a more legitimate reason for not exercising the way I wanted to. Over the past few weeks I have been more invested in how good I feel in what I wear & how I look (opposed to anything that would make anyone else happier/more comfortable), but exercise was waaaaaaay down on my list of priorities already and so this additional time off from gym compounded into a slipperier slope towards giving up completely. To be honest, I have no idea what type of time frame I should/want to give myself for my Wintervention, but to break it down & get re-focused, my first mini goal is the 5km  Colour Run  at the end of November; and to get my body ready for the shock of actually moving around for more than a few minutes, I need to up my cardio a.s.a.p. Even if it is just enough to have me finish walking a 5km...

Day 1 I'm starting to realise that one of my biggest obstacles is my fucked up work/life balance. Time & energy spent on work is overpowering everything else. How do you find the perfect balance without compromising your work ethic? I'm desperate for some advice! Day 4 Somehow I lost 3 whole days, but how? Day 5 Instead of working late (again) or going to the gym (what's new?), I decided to unwind with my BFF. Brilliant idea! I laughed so much it surely counted as an ab workout. Day 6 Spring Rain arrived - with gloomy, wet & snuggly reading weather on its back. And although a sedentary activity, reading keeps me from bingeing. So Esteé 1 - Winter Weight 12. Day 7 So exciting! We went honeymoon shopping today, so I got some cardio in & can't wait to fly to Knysna in 3 weeks...

After a very motivational chat I've decided to make a change (and since I've practically been hibernating through all the 2014 cold fronts, I've christened it my Wintervention). I've vowed to myself that I will get more active & start caring more for ME. I'll get up earlier & do some weight training, but I will also accompany my money to the gym more often. Here's what actually happened: Day 1 I set my alarm for 5 am. Took me an hour to get up, so epic fail there. Then - because I was focusing too much on forgetting my phone on the bedside table on the way out of the house, I managed to also completely forget that I wanted to go to the gym after work & drove straight home. At least I walked to the shop to buy my lunch sandwich. Let's try again tomorrow (although I'll probably only be home around 10 pm from picking up my brother & his wife from the airport). Day 2 Once again my alarm was set for 5 am. This time it took me 1 ho...

So I'm supposed to be working... I think I'm suffering from Worker's Block. It's the same old procrastinating trait I had in school during exams, when - suddenly in the midst of study hour, I just HAD TO move every piece of furniture in my room. I know I'm supposed to be putting time & effort into doing the things I never have time for during my normal work week so that I can still make the deadlines, but I can't bring myself to do them. Straight down into every fibre of my being I just don't. Want. To. How am I supposed to get past myself? Actually this is not a difficulty I experience with work alone. My long term struggle with my weight is also a byproduct of this dysfunctional part of me. I hate the position I'm in health-wise, but I continue sabotaging any hopes of changing the situation. Why? In the end I do not believe the answer to that question is even relevant, I just think I should stop overanalysing & get down to business.

I had such a giggle @ Shelli's blog entry about her recent  Tinsel Discovery .  Mostly because I know how she feels. I, too, have discovered hair in the most remarkably awkward places on my body this past year leading up to my final departure from my 20s, eg. a persisting single beard hair under my chin and one very unusual chest hair (which I've luckily not seen since plucking it with abhoration ). Most disconcerting observation of the week?  The fact that my breast mass is clearly being biologically redistributed to my middle. No, not the average sag that we all fear by default. Let's just say that the cups runneth over less and less, whilst the strap around my waist simply cuts further into my flesh.

I've recently (very recently, as in less than a week ago) joined the local gym.  I joined because none of my fat pants fit me anymore!!!  Luckily I feel lots of good & happy things inside most of the time, but I also need to be able to get dressed every morning.  In something other than pj's or underwear. My main goal right now, is getting myself into the groove of regular exercise.  After that, I'll add some more moves and tweak the diet.  No problem, but last night I seriously felt like I did all the cardio I can handle...and still, I was in and out of the gym under 20 minutes.  How sad is that? Usually, after any situation where I come across any form of resistance, I despise myself for not getting it perfect the first time around.  In true Esteé fashion I started doing the same this morning, because I felt like I should've pushed beyond the pain.  That it couldn't possibly have been all I had to give - just how pathetic, fat and unfit...