Weighty Matters

I am officially the largest now than I've ever been in my entire life  And despite the fact that I'm experiencing slight insomnia these past few weeks, I've never felt more comfortable in my own body.  I'm getting married this weekend to a man that never wants anything but the best for me, we have our own house, my day job pays well enough, I've been lucky enough to go to university, I have friends & family that I care about and that I know care for me too.  Of course there are still things I want to do/experience and I often feel that our decor and lifestyle could be a little more mature, but our status quo is seriously not that bad.

Then one of my wedding dress consultants asked me why I wanted to lose weight and it definitely startled me.  She obviously didn't ask me because I'm secretly fabulously fit and grossly over estimating how much excess weight I'm lugging around, she just wanted to know why, feeling as good about myself as I am, I worried about my weight at all.

No one has ever asked me this question and so I'm not sure, actually.  Since then I've mulled it over quite a bit and these are the two main reasons I could come up with:

1. The old topic of Societal Influence.
   We are bombarded from all angles to feel that anything other than the impossible is just not good enough.  Specifically that skinny equals beauty, happiness & success;  with everything else meaning the exact opposite.
   During my teens this was again apparent from the way the guys always went for the skinnier option (when given a choice).
2. My Childhood.
   I was raised under constant parental pressure to watch what I'm eating, whether my curves/rolls are properly (and loosely) covered & how much I weigh.  I'm sure it came from a place of love & the intention to motivate me to stay healthy, but it didn't help, did it?  I ballooned after leaving our family home, because I was able to eat what I want, when I wanted it & how much I wanted without risking my actions to be commented on 24/7.
   Unfortunately the new-found freedom did not extend to my internal dialogue.  To this day no person on this earth can possibly be more critical and degrading towards me whenever I eat something than I am, because I was taught that you couldn't enjoy something without feeling guilt.  The same goes for my free/leisure time, but that's a whole different issue that I won't go into today.

After snapping that these reasons are obviously not my own, I decided that I am rejecting them in their entirety.  Screw whatever everyone else wants me to do!  If I feel like making a change, this is why I'll do it:

1. Saving money.
   I don't have the cash to buy an entire new wardrobe and at this rate I will soon get to a point where I have nothing in my closets that fit me anymore.
   I can make it work, but the rest of the world is probably not ready to become a global nudist colony yet.  (Too cold for that in some corners anyway.)
2. My hubby.
   He loves me exactly as I am and doesn't enjoy it much when I diet, because my boobs get smaller first.  Every time.
   BUT we need each other financially & should I become unable to work I'd like to have an income protector policy in place to provide for both of us before any form of disability cover kicks in.  At the moment, based on my weight, insulin issues & cholesterol no one is willing to insure me.
3. Physical freedom.
   Right now I have no problem getting up from chairs, up flights of stairs or back and forth as I please - except for shortness of breath I can still do them all without hassles;  but I've seen the reality shows & research, so I know that if I don't take care of my body the excess weight might incapacitate me later on.
4. Fertility.
   I'm not a total idiot.  Losing weight won't ever cure PCOS, but it will alleviate the symptoms should we want to try and start our own little family one day.  (Not yet.  We're way to immature for that type of responsibility now.)

Do you also struggle with your body shape or weight?  And if so, why do YOU worry about it?